If Rapunzel had Borderline Personality Disorder

There was one a man and his wife, who had long wished in vain for a child, but at last, they had hope that heaven would grant their request.

One day, the woman, standing at the window saw the garden across the way which belonged to their neighbor – the witch – and saw what beautiful cabbages grew there. “Oh husband!” she cried. “Please go and steal some of those cabbages, or I’ll surely die!”

“I’m sure you’ll live…” muttered he, but having no desire to sleep on the couch that night, the husband climbed the high wall that surrounded the garden to steal some of their witch’s cabbages.

The husband picked the cabbage and was about to make his way back to his house, but he was stopped by the witch who stood waiting at the garden’s exit.

“How dare you steal my cabbages!” she exclaimed,  “I need those to live! Your fate will be terrible indeed!” she witch leered.

“Wait!” the husband cried. “Have mercy! I can explain: my wife made me do this.”

“Likely story,” the witch replied.

“Wait!” the husband cried again. “I can make this good with you!”

The evil scowl on the witch’s face turned into an intrigued smirk.

“I’m listening…”

“My wife is pregnant, and God knows I can’t feed them both (I wouldn't be in this situation if I could!) I never really wanted children to begin with anyways. So here’s the deal: in exchange for your cabbage, you can have the brat when it’s born.”

The witch pondered this.

“Well, I am quite lonely – with only my numerous of cats to keep me company, and a personal slave would be quite useful…Hmm, Okay,” she said at last. “I will take the deal.”

And so it was that when the child was born, she was promptly handed over to the witch, amidst the protestations of the mother – but since this was the Middle Ages, her opinion meant nothing, and the deal was done.

The witch decided to name the child “Cabbage” because of the circumstances surrounding her “adoption”, but at last conceded that such a name was far too silly, and decided to instead call her “Rapunzel” (which means “Cabbage” in German).

Rapunzel was one of those most beautiful girls in the world (she made sure everyone she met was keenly aware of this fact). When she was twelve, though, the witch had had enough of her and locked in her a tower that had neither staircases nor a door – only a tiny window quite high up on the wall.

When the witch wanted to enter the tower, she stood at the foot of it and cried “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair!” and the young girl was obliged to toss her hair out the window and let the witch climb up.

When Rapunzel was sixteen, she spotted a Prince riding over the way on his white thoroughbred. Rapunzel was instantly infatuated with the young royal, and in a bid to gain his attention and affection, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the window at the very time she thought the Prince would spot her.

When the Prince saw the young maiden about to leap from the window, he was immediately distressed.

“Don't do it!” he yelled. “You have so much to live for!”

“I'm gonna do it!” Rapunzel exclaimed, inching closer to the ledge.

“Please,” the Prince pleaded. “Is there I anything I can do?”

“Yes,” Rapunzel replied. “Climb up my long hair and save me.”

Rapunzel cast her hair down and the prince heroically (if not, perhaps, foolishly) climbed up the suicidal girl's hair.

When he reached the window, he was instantly embraced by the waiting Rapunzel.

“Oh Prince!” Rapunzel cried. “You saved me! So tall and and handsome! You must be my true love!”

“You're not too bad looking yourself,” the Prince replied chuckling. “And what will you give me for my trouble?”

“Oh, I'll give you anything you like baby,” Rapunzel said, motioning him inside.

And so it was that Rapunzel surrendered her maidenhead to the lusty Prince, who after he was done, promptly departed, vowing to return again.

Unfortunately, as he was leaving, the witch, who was on her way to visit Rapunzel, spotted him and hastily (although correctly) deduced that Rapunzel had done the deed with the Prince.

“Thou wicked child!” the witch bellowed, instantly teleporting herself into Rapunzel's room with the snap of her fingers. “You have betrayed me!”

“What the hell!” Rapunzel exclaimed. “If you could do that, why did you need me to cast my hair down each day?”

“I need my daily aerobic exercise,” the witch replied. “But that's beside the point – you have given your virginity to that Prince and now because of your infidelity, I disown you!”

“That's fine,” Rapunzel said. “He's my true love anyway and I know we're going to live happily ever after together forever.”

At that moment, Rapunzel, to her great surprise, heard the Prince reapproaching on his stallion.

“See, there he comes now. You just wait and see, he's gonna marry me, and then I won't need you at all. You get him up here, you see. You get him up here and I'll prove you wrong!”

The witch sighed as she snapped her fingers, causing the Prince to instantly appear before them.

“Woah, freaky...” the Prince said.

“Boo!” Rapunzel exclaimed, wrapping her arms around him.

“Hey, baby,” he said. “Miss me?”

“Totally,” she said. “This witch who has me trapped her says she's going to kick me out, but you're going to marry me right? Tell me you're going to marry me.”

“Woah slow down babe,” he said, holding up his hands. “See, I know I just bedded you, and I love you and all, but...I don't think I'm ready for marriage just yet.”

Rapunzel instantly flew into a rage, hurling insults and profanities at the young royal, who quickly regretted saying what he did. At the end of her train of insults, though, Rapunzel said:

“Oh I see how it is! Well fine! I don't need you! ! can find me someone else! Someone who will love and take care of me!”

“Rapunzel, I do love you!”

“Enough of your lies! Witch!”

“My name is Gothel...”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Witch,” she said, stamping her foot. “Teleport me down to the ground – away from this INCONSIDERATE JERK!”

“Fine! I'm getting tired of both of ya! Out!”

With a snap of her fingers, both Rapunzel and the Prince were at the base of the tower.

“Please, Rapunzel, is there anything I can do?” the Prince pleaded on his knees. “You mean everything to me boo – but we just met, and I'm not ready for marriage.”

“Talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listening...”

“Look, I can prove it!” the Prince said, unsheathing his dagger.

"Please," Rapunzel said. "There's nothing you could possibly..."

The Prince proceeded to thrust the blade into his eyes several times, blinding himself.

“Now will you take me back?” he asked.

“Ew, no...I'm gonna find me another man – someone who will love me and take care of me and be my baby's daddy. Someone who isn't blind!"

“But...” the Prince said, his tears mixing with the blood as they flowed down his cheeks.

“Cry me a river, baby, and then build a bridge so you can get over it.”

And with that, Rapunzel departed, seeking in earnest to find herself a new baby-daddy. She went to the next town over found herself another "Prince" who she also bedded. The difference here was that this "gentleman" could afford to give Rapunzel whatever she wanted – so long as he got what he wanted in return.

They quickly got married (as in, the same day they met) and nine months later, the eager husband waited expectantly on his new child. After the baby was born, the Prince held his new child joyfully in his arms. Unfortunately, Rapunzel, in a fit of postpartum depression, decided to finally come clean.

“Boo, I got something to confess,” she said regretfully.

“What is it?” he asked.

“It’s…It’s not your baby! I slept with another man!”

The Prince hung his head and disappointment as the world seemed to fade to black around him.